I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have already put on my inside pants.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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