Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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