Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
