I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
