Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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