I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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