I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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