i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
His hands were made for my vagina.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
