I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm like, not good at living.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
