I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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