My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
