respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize