I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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