my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I faked an abortion last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
false alarm. still invincible.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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