her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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