Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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