i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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