Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize