Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
