I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
