I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
