i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
