please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
