I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
