Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
