Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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