we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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