Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
