I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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