I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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