i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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