I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
