his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
