Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
