Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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