Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just pee around me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just had sex on a roof
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
