my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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