I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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