toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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