1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
