Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
