If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
