I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
