I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
