Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
