kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
