My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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