are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
