why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
