Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
