I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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