I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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