p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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