I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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