i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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