Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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